SEO Sucks And Shoemoney Swallows At SES
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Since my padawan wouldn’t get off his ass and do this, I felt it my duty to be a dick. Someone had to. Actually I’m just pissed I’m not there.So with Shoemoney sporting the SEO Sucks t-shirt, I’ve made the one I’m wearing to Pubcon. Complete with a cardboard cutout of Chris Winfield.
Just joking Shoe, but someone had too 
PS: Streko is demanding a link so here it is.
Update: Since I’m a whore, here a little promo. And yes, I do use the tools.
Google Images Thinks I Fail At Upskirt Voyerism
WTF Google? So I’m browsing through my webmaster console for this blog. I don’t know why, I was bored I guess. Now I realize some of the images I put on this blog aren’t exactly safe for those of you under 25, but give me a break. There is no reason one of my pictures needs to be ranking 2nd for “hot vagina”. Of course after this post there will be but whatever. Maybe I’ll put a hot vagina on this post and we’ll be good. I mean are my porn sites leaking over here or something?
And Google, why do you constantly have to remind me that I FAIL? You’re beginning to hurt my feelings and I’m going to have to start redirecting all my traffic to Matt the Walking Wonder. See how he likes failing so much. At least I’m ranking for Jagermeister. That makes me feel better. And this was the most interesting thing I could find with safe search on for “hot vagina”.
Why You Should Spend More Than $1 On Content
Has anyone noticed that all my posts lately are filed under the retarded category? Well that’s because you are. So Sugarrae Fanboy and I were sitting around not seeing any twits from Rae so we had to find something else to do. Our plan? An actual SEO post. Well sort of. Streko drunkenly stumbled upon TextBroker.com. We had not heard of this network of so called quality writers before so we checked it out and exclaimed “Jesus on a pogo stick, we get a free trial!”
Here is the summary of their “product”:
Quality Level - Price per 100 Words
2 - good - $1.00
3 - very good - $1.40
4 - excellent - $2.00
5 - professional - $6.70
Okay, I don’t know why there isn’t a “1 - mediocre” but that’s a non-issue. I clicked on their “sample article” for each level of service, and found typos and errors in all of them, which obviously didn’t give them any points. But whatever. Can’t pass up on free content. Free beer is actually more preferable, but free content is fun too.
So Streko went out and recruited Melanie Phung from All About Content, Sugarrae who is too busy to play juvenile games with us and probably has a restraining order against Streko by now anyway, and SEOHack who probably got drunk before he could submit because I’m a terrible role model. In other words, we did three submissions. I did SEO just to keep this somewhat on topic. Here is what I got back (in less that 12 hours, so quick turnaround):
The Basics Of Search Engine Optimization
In order to be pulled up on the internet you have to be found and that is the basic idea of search engine optimization. What you are trying to do is get to the top of the list of other similar items on the net so that your article will be seen first when someone is searching for the topic that you have written about.
In order to get the most out of the search engine optimization you need to use a lot of keywords that other people will be searching for. When you understand keywords you will use them in your article several times so that it will pull when people are typing it into the search engine. Be sure that you use common keywords that people will be searching for when they are on the net. You don’t want to use a lot of fancier words. Most people search for simple items and use normal every day words. Doing this will help you to get pulled quicker when people are searching on the net.
The basics of search engine optimization are easy. As you learn more and more about the basics of search engine optimization your articles or websites will quickly become more accessible to more and more surfers.
Fuckin-A we have the secret. “You don’t want to use a lot of fancier words.” because “doing this will help you to get pulled quicker…”. Okay, we knew this one would suck ass anyway, so Streko comes up with a good topic.
How to Ask Your Wife If She Would Be Interested in Polygamy
While polygamy may be frowned upon by most people who are unfamiliar with the lifestyle, it can actually offer many benefits for those who choose to practice it. If you are a married man who is interested in joining this lifestyle, but are unsure how to talk to your wife about it, here are some tips to get you started.
1. Tell her about the benefits of a polygamist lifestyle – This lifestyle has many benefits, the most important of which is that it is very family and community oriented. If you live in a polygamist community, your children are likely to grow up in a sheltered environment and avoid many of society’s ills.
2. Visit a polygamist family – If you know someone in the lifestyle, take your wife for a visit so that she can see a polygamist family in their day-to-day settings. This will help show her that it is truly about family, not just about sex.
3. Ask her why she has reservations – Listening to her side is probably the best thing you can do, plus you can counter each one of her negatives with a positive benefit. With a woman, talking is always one of the best solutions to any problem.
4. Know your wife’s personality - The type of woman who may be willing to join this type of lifestyle is one who is very family oriented and has a submissive streak. If your wife prefers to drop the kids off with her parents and is very opinionated and not afraid to show it, then this might be a tough sell for you.
Hey, did you know that “With a woman, talking is always one of the best solutions to any problem.” First of all, I thought for sure this wouldn’t get approved because it’s against the law and a little creepy, but I guess whatever floats your boat. Be sure that your wife is “very family oriented and has a submissive streak” though. Melanie was next:
How to arrange a funeral at sea
If someone that you know has passed away and you know that they desired a funeral at sea, don’t worry you will be able to make arrangements and have their wishes completed. There are various charters and boats that will arrange the details for you. You can search on the internet to find the ones that you can afford. Burials at sea vary in prices, so be sure to take a look at the different packages that are offered. You want to find one that will fit your budget.
If you cannot afford to purchase the complete service at sea, then you might want to enlist a boat to take you out for a couple of hours just to throw the ashes. This can be somewhat less expensive and you will still be accomplishing the deceased’s wishes.
When you need to find out answers quickly, you might want to travel to the area that they wished to be buried at sea. There you can contact the Visitor’s Center and have them set up the arrangements for a burial at sea. They will know who to contact and how to make arrangements for the service. Be sure that you have the money to cover the cost of the service.
Hmmmmm. “…enlist a boat to take you out for a couple of hours just to throw the ashes.” I don’t know about the laws on that one but at least give me something from the evil Wikipedia. Wait, does anyone have a Polygamy Knol yet? SEOHack had the best topic, but it wasn’t going to get through anyway. “2 Girls 1 Cup Poop Porn”.
Summary: Not worth a shit for actual content. However, that being said we can certainly use this for some nefarious things. It’s scanned for copyright violations so it’s original content. It’s perfect for creating multiple versions of each and getting a Datapresser account and creating a bunch of madlib scripts for the network of blogs that you own.
Open Letter To The SEO Community
SHUT THE FUCK UP
Many moons ago I wrote about staying away from posting just be keep a consistent posting schedule. I’m changing my mind. Don’t waste any more of my mother fucking time with useless shit. Post all you want about fake profiles. Call someone out if you want, but have a fucking legitimate reason.
Do: I think Doug is a douchebag because he said *insert idea*. I think *insert my idea*
Don’t: I think Doug is a douchebag just because.
And feeding the flames with crap in the comments makes it worse. If the post is about fake profiles, then the comment section should talk about the post. Take the rest of it somewhere else so I don’t have to listen to it. I have better things to do.
THE END.
Disclaimer: All names used in this post are for generic use only 
COMMENTS ARE CLOSED
Bido.com Launches And I Was First FTW!
So Bido.com launched yesterday and I scored the first domain ever. Yes, I am making history. Anyway, some of you loyal readers might be unaware since this is primarily an SEO blog (or rather a rant filled time wasting blog) so I’ll fill you in.
Bido does live domain auctions that are unlike any other I’ve seen. They only do one domain per day with a one hour auction. This is good for me because I can’t pay attention to the other forty million auctions going on. It likely will create a higher demand for each auction considering there will be more attention on it so that’s a good play by them.
The second unique thing is their seller guarantee. There is no reserve on all their auctions and when you place your domain for sale you list a “reasonable” price expectation. If they don’t sell it for that, then they pay you your expected price anyway. This seems risky on their part and good for us, but I don’t know how they determine what a reasonable price expectation is yet so we’ll see.
Finally, another unique point is the social aspect of the whole thing. They have experts that evaluate the value for each domain that’s up for auction. This is a little weird because everyone values things differently, and it’s hard to get a handle on it. Essentially it’s worth what you are willing to pay for it. There will always be inherent risk involved in domain speculation.
Let’s take yesterday’s auction as an example. The domain was discountimages.com. How good is this domain? Well, the “experts” all had values listed well above what I paid for it. The highest on a resale basis was $5000 and something like $20,000 for and end user. The lowest was Todd Malicoat who didn’t like the domain much and had it at something like $1000 max. Based on what everyone says, I got a bargain at $911.00 but it’s all in the eyes of the beholder right? The maximum I was willing to pay was $1200. When I bought it I just planned to sit on it for a while and flip it when the time is right but now I think I might develop it. I need to do quite a bit of research in the stock image world first, but I think it might be worth the time to develop.
Yesterday they didn’t have an automatic time extension (correction: they did have an extension) for bids below five minutes, which was good for me because I creeped in at 2 minutes and snagged it from “Horney”. Sorry about that Horney…I’d give you a link but I don’t know who you are. Today GolfIowa.com was up and with 5 minutes left the highest bid was $61.00. After a flurry of activity the final price was $460.00 so you can see the obvious benefit. I also got a lot of PR in the process so a big thanks to the nice folks at Bido for contacting me.
Congratulations on a successful launch and I’ll certainly be back. You’ve earned the Official Seal of Awesomeness. And congratulations to me for being more awesome than you.
Yo Fat Girl Look At Me, I’m Skinny. It Never Stopped Me From Gettin’ Busy
If you’re offended…STFU already. That’s shut the fuck up already for you idiots who have been living in a cave. It’s an analogy. Or metaphor. Or something, I skipped English a lot. Maybe I should say “Yea, I do a little blackhat, but I can whitehat circles around your ass.” There’s been a week of useless banter about SMX advanced last week. In reality, this sums up my position but I digress. We’ve got there’s no such thing as advanced white hat SEO, advanced SEO doesn’t mean spamming, to blackhat SEO isn’t advanced blah blah yadda yadda.
Here’s the deal yo…advanced can mean anything. Most “SEO’s” that I know come from a marketing background. What that basically means is most blackhat is going to be advanced. As soon as you start spouting auto generated content via arrays, PHP scrapers or whatever then it’s advanced for them. On the other hand “SEO’s” that come from a developer background (or marketing type SEO’s who have a solid grasp of what developers can do and have some minions) find the majority of “blackhat” things mentioned at SMX pretty basic shit. Then you’ve got the guy who’s never been to a conference. PR sculpting, bot herding, advanced analytics is all going to be advanced for them.
Rob (evilgreenmonkey) in particular got pointed at several times about his presentation in the “Give It Up” session. I know I’m not supposed to blog about it for a month, but since when do I listen. Basically he said that the coyote keeps getting screwed by ACME and their crappy dynamite. Yea, did you really think I was going to piss off Danny Sullivan and bring the Hammer of Injustice down on me? Again. But really what he said wasn’t anything even remotely new to anyone that does any blackhat already so get over it people. There were a few things that you usually hear in the corner of the bar, and in my opinion, that’s great. Knowledge is power, or didn’t you forget to read Meditations? Was some of it blackhat? Sure. Was any of it bad? No. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to listen. If you listen, you’re at a supposedly “advanced” conference so you should know the risks.
Now, on to the ever controversial post from Bruce Clay because apparently I get under Lisa’s skin. That’s okay Lisa, I like you anyway. Here’s the part that got under my skin:
Black hats get under my skin because (a) they’re not SEOs (b) they very often provide a bad experience for users and (c) they make the rest of us look bad by association.
Right. (a) Whatever. I don’t need an SEO label. Call me a Search Engine Humpty Dancer for all I care, I’m still really good at it whatever color the hat it is. (b) we often provide a better experience for users than all you holier than thou (Shari Thurow) whitehats. For example, say I’m delivering targeted content to my return users based on their browsing history. This gives them far more targeted content and a better user experience, but it is considered blackhat cloaking to Google without question. There are plenty of examples of better user experiences that break Google guidelines. (c) If you look bad by associating with me and the rest of “my kind”…well you’re probably right about that one but I don’t think it’s because we do SEO in a certain way. I think it’s more because we call out things as we see it.
From a client perspective I’d rather hire someone who is well versed in blackhat to control my website than a whitehat. The majority of us conduct business with full disclosure about the risks of everything we do. I know some idiot whitehats that make us all look bad too…one’s been living in a cave. Come on Doug, go ahead and comment so I can ignore you some more.
Moving on…SMX Advanced was a good time. If you weren’t hanging out with us a lot then you’ll be confused. But here is a little something for Rhea, who is one of the coolest people around and always willing to share knowledge and battle the douchebags. (And she worked her ass off for that press pass Loren, you should give her one for PubCon too).
And for Brian, who seems to have brain malfunctions around Rhea…but he really does know his shit. It’s a Mute Lion. Blind Cheetah. Impotent Cat.
Next up is Think Tank in Sunny San Diego (Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diago, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.) in September (invite only, email me if you’d like to come and I’ll make introductions) and then on to PubCon for some debauchery.
